


It's Only For The Case

by inkyandness



Category: Hot Guy P.I. (Webcomic)
Genre: ...Technically, Banter, Case Fic, Confrontations, It's For a Case, Kissing, M/M, Making Out, Nando says "worker rights", Party, Subtle Pining, The Theme Of The Day Is: All Cops Are Bastards, Unsympathetic Cops, but sometimes things happen a lot, but then again aren't they always?, it might get kinda real for a second but when am I supposed to process anything, it was not supposed to play out this much
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-14
Updated: 2020-06-14
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:34:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24712423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inkyandness/pseuds/inkyandness
Summary: Oh no....What if we had to make out in this relatively small room to avoid being arrested?? (and we're both men)(This was supposed to be escapist fiction, and it still is, in a way.)
Relationships: Schmidt/Nando
Comments: 6
Kudos: 160





	It's Only For The Case

Nando had no idea how Schmidt was able to pull this off.

I mean, sure, being friends with a bunch of lawyers apparently probably came with perks, but he _really_ under-estimated how much being an influencer seemed to really get him into high-profile places.

“Doesn’t it make you feel bad?” Nando asked, trying to figure out how in the world a necktie was supposed to work in the hallway mirror. He was sure this was one of those things his father should’ve taught him.

“Why would I feel bad?” Asked Schmidt, fiddling with his phone while he waited for Nando.

“I don’t know, doesn’t it feel like you’re ripping the place off? We’re getting in for free.”

“They could’ve said no.”

“Oh, they could’ve said no?” Nando asked, his voice raising as he wrestled with the necktie. It looked like he had tightened it far too tightly, and was beginning to choke as he wrestled with the offending object. “Why are they going to say no to an INFLUENCER, who wants to attend an INFLUENCER GALA?”

“I wonder how many other people were able to get in for free…” Schmidt wondered aloud. “This doesn’t seem to be a very effective business model.”

“OH? It DOESN’T?”

It was then when Schmidt finally got up to finally help Nando with his tie. “You’re doing it wrong.”

Nando sighed as he let Schmidt handle it. Hey, it wasn’t his fault he didn’t know how to tie a tie. If anything, it was his places of employment, and their casual working environment. Blame them.

“It’s just...going in there for free, with the exception of the promises of making 3 pretty okay reviews I’m sure that 300 other people are going to be making feels...bad.”

Schmidt strayed his eye contact away from the tie, as Nando continued to talk, lightly gesturing here and there.

“It’s not like I care about the hotel, it’s a brand. Fuck it. But there’s probably a lot of people working the floor tonight who are going to be treated like garbage by people just because they can get away with it, and I feel...kinda bad about it.”

Schmidt tightened the knot. “I understand...but at the very least, it’s only for the case. Any employee we see will be treated respectfully, and any services they offer will be ignored.”

“Only for the case.” Nando reaffirmed.

“And if we have to drink 5 shots of whatever brand of alcohol they’re serving and snacks to act natural, then so be it.” Schmidt shrugged.

“I feel like you missed something I said here or there.”

“Maybe so.” Schmidt said, already heading for the front door. It was at the moment when Nando noticed how his tie was tied.

“Why is it a _NOOSE?”_

_“It’s the only knot I know how to tie!”_

**_“WHY?”_ **

_“I WASN’T EXACTLY A WELL-ADJUSTED CHILD.”_

\-----

The case was simple. A lot of their cases were rather simple, but it’s not like they were ones to dwell on it. Someday they’d get some real brain-teasers, they were sure of it.

But anyhow, the case was this: wHatTheH, aka, Heather Brandon, was a gossip youtuber, with 300K subs and counting. She was notorious for her ability to predict controversy, and always have the most information, as well as the spiciest, before any other commentary channel could steal her crown. But the fact of the matter was, that didn’t exactly come easy, especially when everybody already _knew_ to look out for her, as well as anybody who she was associated with. Even just being spotted in the background in one of her photos or videos came across as highly suspect. 

If you didn’t want to be marked with the scarlet “H” for “Hack,” you stayed away from Heather Brandon. 

...But, Schmidt considered himself a detective before he was to be considered an influencer or a hack, or wanted to anyhow, so he decided to give the case a chance. Work was work, even rotten work, and even though Heather often produced gossipy, nit-picky videos, she wasn’t exactly rotten yet. She had taken down as many influencers for the slightest of slights, but she had also exposed some of the worst people who were working in that field, with mountains upon mountains of evidence behind it. He almost had some respect for her.

Almost.

To get back on track, Heather Brandon had reason to believe that there was something afoot about the security at the Influencer Gala, but that was it. She knew who the guards were, but wasn’t able to find out what they did, or what they were planning on doing, which in itself was highly suspicious. Security shouldn’t be planning anything, the same way that your mailman shouldn’t be planning anything. 

Nobody should be planning things. Planning things seemed highly suspect.

Regardless, Heather seemed rather convinced that there was something to be found on the computers that the security team was using, but couldn’t prove anything for certain...unless she had access to their computers. Schmidt and Nando’s job was to go to the party, slip a thumb drive into the main computer they were using, and leave posthaste, all the while, avoiding any suspicion. It was an easy, open and shut case. Heather even made it clear that even if they didn’t find what she was looking for, they’d never hear from her again. 

So, yeah. It was a simple, 3 step plan, that didn’t even have them answering to any consequences if they DID somehow mess up the incredibly complex task of putting thing A into slot B, which was always reassuring.

So, Schmidt and Nando got their passes, flashed those passes at the guards -- in a way where they were simultaneously trying to make sure they never got a look at their face, but also knowing that that would make them look suspicious as all hell, decided to smile at them as well -- and went inside.

“Okay, I say we aimlessly mill about for 5 minutes to avoid suspicion, but while doing so, we try to locate the security room.” Nando strategized.

“Sounds good.” Schmidt agreed, and then they separated.

They were only really separated for 3 or so minutes, as without Schmidt mentioning that he was going to the con, it’s not exactly like people knew to look for him, so instead of evading suspicion, he just looked like one of potentially twenty other brooding, dark haired, internet personalities, one who happened to be milling about at a slightly faster pace than the rest of the crowd, which looked a little bit strange if you really thought about it. Like, if you caught him out of the corner of your eye, you might be thinking “wow, this casually sad man must really be booking it today. I wonder if he has a train to catch? He seems like the kind of man who’d ride a train in a casual fashion.”

And Nando found the security door pretty dang fast anyhow, which, argumentatively, probably looked more suspicious, so they figured they could just kinda do the thing they were hired to do and _then_ pretend to enjoy the rave.

So they decided to do that.

“It’s locked. It’s locked! Why would the security door be locked?”

…

“Okay, fair.”

“Maybe we could pick the lock?”

“Alright, sure. It’s a deadbolt. That’s easy.”

“That’s easy?”

“Yeah, do you have a hairclip?”

“I think I keep some in my pockets for Nadia...And it’s in my other jacket. Because I’m not wearing a jacket. It’s a suit. I hate this.”

Schmidt sighed and accrued a hair clip from his own hair, and began fiddling with the lock, as Nando kept watch. The fact that the gala had quickly transformed from a classy meeting to a rave meant that with it being so dark and the flashing lights, nobody was paying attention to them, and even if they were spotted it made them rather difficult to identify. However, that probably did not make picking the lock easier.

“I don’t know, it’s different from the standard knob lock, which is like, what you’d find in most houses. That’s a simple pop and lock, but here it’s-oh never mind.” And in that moment, Schmidt turned the knob in his hand and stood up from where he kneeled, looking maybe a little too pleased with himself.

“When did you learn that?”

“I had a very interesting childhood.”

As they opened the door to get inside, Nando had a split-second thought. A split-second thought that said, “hey, you know, this is a security door. Where security people do things. There’s the slightest chance that when you open up this door, there are going to be security people who are going to break your spine for even daring to step into their private little cubby hole. What’s going to happen then. Maybe you should’ve approached this with more caution.”

But the room was empty. 

And everything was fine.

However, given the fact that the coffee on the desk where the main few monitors sat was still in a steaming hot mug, they must’ve been here recently, which means they’ll probably be back soon, based on the squealing radio on the previously mentioned desk.

“I’m pretty good with computers, so along with the files on their system, I should be able to capture all of their history, incognito or otherwise, just to cover all the bases. I think it should only take five or so minutes, but it could take longer.”

“I’ll keep watch, but I don’t know how well or for how long I could distract any of the security people.”

“Just do what you can -- without getting arrested.”

Schmidt nodded and stood at the door, a considerable 10 or so feet away from the desk as Nando found the password -- it’s actually kinda easy, just look for wherever it’s the greasiest on the keypad -- and had long since plugged the thumbnail in, now it was all about data collecting and erasing their tracks, which again, could take some time, which made the whole process a rush against the clock.

At any moment, they could be caught. They could be caught, and there most certainly WOULD be consequences, but all seemed to be going smoothly. In fact, really smoothly for them. At this point usually, the security personnel would barge in, or Nando would crash the computer, or Schmidt would do a specific third thing that would just absolutely ruin everything. 

But no, for once in their lives, everything seemed to be running smoothly. All the information Nando could gather had been snatched off the computer, and he even had enough time to bring them back to the user page to avoid arousing suspicion of being already logged in, which was a nice luxury he didn’t know he even had.

Too bad he didn’t.

As Nando began heading towards the door, saying something along the lines of “I got it!” Schmidt walked in front of him and held his mouth closed, eventually walking him back into a wall, as if that was going to help conceal them from view.

“The security guards are coming back.”

“What? How? Why didn’t we know sooner, we had the radio?”

“It’s too garbled to be discernable in the first place.”

“Maybe you need your hearing checked.”

“Maybe _YOU_ need your hearing checked.”

Schmidt’s hands were trembling as he gestured in the tight space.

“This is bad, there’s no way we are _not_ going to get caught.”

Nando felt his heart racing. This was bad. He couldn’t be caught here. He didn’t know if those security guards were actually police, but if he got caught not just trespassing, but stealing confidential files _from_ the _actual_ police, he could get arrested. If he got arrested, he might never see Nadia again, and if he never saw Nadia again…

Well...what else would he have?

He had to think, and he had to think fast.

Influencers always seemed to be getting trouble in the news for doing all sorts of things, he wouldn’t be surprised if at this very gala they were busting 20 year olds for everything from drug use to well...whatever influencers did. They would either be too tired to bust them for an actual crime, or they’d be far too tired to figure out a crime to book them for and toss them in, anyhow.

Still, better a misdemeanor than a felony. It just happened to be a shame it came to that.

This all raced through Nando’s head at a million miles a second. Even if he couldn’t really hear the footsteps over the distant thumping music, and the distant thumping of his heart, he knew who had to _do_ something fast. He just hoped that Schmidt knew what he was thinking.

Well, he supposed that he was going to have to find out.

Nando dropped the thumbnail into his jacket pocket, and just hoped for a mere second that they would not warrant any further investigation.

“Hey Schmidt,” Nando said, placing a hand on Schmidt’s cheek, which _certainly_ caught his attention. “Remember, this is all for the case.”

Schmidt blinked with wide eyes, confused, and unsure, and a little doll-like. “What are y-”

And then Nando pulled him down for a kiss. It wasn’t a long way down, but it felt like a lifetime. Schmidt wrapped his arms around Nando to regain a sense of balance, but found himself hugging him tighter once he realized what he was doing.

Nando’s face felt so incredibly warm as he wrapped his arms around Schmidt’s neck to pull him in tighter, which Schmidt seemed to appreciate as he licked into Nando’s mouth which _he didn’t necessarily need to do, but they had to be convincing, for the case_ **_right-_ **

They slotted together perfectly. It felt as if they were kissing for the very first time, not in an awkward sort of way, but like this was a pure, fresh experience that neither had really gotten to have before. There was something rather nice about that. Something almost kind.

Of course, by the time that Nando’s back hit the wall, the security personnel were bursting in.

“What are you doing here?”

“Uh…” Nando hesitated, “privacy please?” He said in his most snotty, influencer voice. 

“How did you get in here!”

“It was unlocked.” Schmidt said, in a normal voice, because he didn’t really know what was up with what Nando was doing. The blush still seemed to hang on his pale face, and if they were in better light, it would be clear to see.

“That’s impossible, it locks automatically.”

“Well, don’t look at _us,_ it’s not like _we_ unlocked it. Why would we even know how to do that?”

“Yeah, who even picks locks anymore?” Nando said, in his normal voice, as if that wasn’t as grating on Schmidt’s heart as his previous voice was on his eardrums.

“I don’t like your attitude.” The security personnel said, his hand hovering dangerously at his side.

“Well, I don’t like your tone.” Schmidt said, stepping closer to the police officer. “I wouldn’t exactly call it trespassing if the door was open, and it’s hardly indecent exposure, so if you have nothing to write us up for, I think we’re going to go.” His ears were burning red.

Schmidt grabbed Nando’s hand, and pulled him closer to him as they turned to leave. 

“Is that all? Are we free to go?” Nando asked, pausing a second. He’d heard things online about walking away from a cop basically being an invitation for the cop to say that the individual “resisting arrest,” akin to how if you don’t say goodbye on a Ouija board, it’s an invitation for a hundred thousand demons to make your life hell. 

But, what are really the differences between a cop and a demon anyhow? They both belong in Hell anyhow.

And this man looked like Hell as is, which made Nando a bit tetchy, but luckily, the walkie-talkie seemed to go off at that point, indicating that the security guard was needed elsewhere. He seemed to consider something, posthaste.

“$600. For you and your _boyfriend._ ” He sneered. “Otherwise it’s a ride in the paddywagon for both you-” Nando stopped listening at that point as he balked at the amount. What, just because he had a $70 suit for job interviews, this guy thought he could afford this? Of course he didn’t. He was probably just going to book them for looking at him funny.

Schmidt placed a stack into his hands.

“Are we free to leave now, good sir?”

The guard leafed through the money in his hands, all the while Schmidt stared at him with a dead-eyed stare that would intimidate most men, but Nando knew it as the face he made when he learned that panthers were a real animal, and not something made up by either the people who made the pink or black panther, respectively.

He sneered. “Don’t let me catch you two around here again.”

Nando muttered, “wouldn’t dream of it,” when he was certain that the guard was too far away to hear them as he and Schmidt began walking briskly out of the building together.

“Thank you for the service of lining your pockets,” Schmidt elbowed him, and Nando couldn’t help but chuckle. The last five or so minutes had been very high tension...for more reasons than one. “Oh! Speaking of which.” Schmidt dug through his pockets and pulled out another wad of cash. “Your cut.”

“What?”

“Heather paid us $2400, 50/50 split seems fair, right?” Schmidt asked, conversationally. 

“I, uh, yeah, thanks.” Nando said, a little aghast. “Did you spend all of your cut on that cop?”

“Mmm.”

“You didn’t have to do that, you know that right?”

“Consider it me...repaying a favor.”

They had finally stepped out into the cool, night air. The event itself felt so distant and far behind them by just the act of the music being muffled and the presence of the occasional street lamp. The stars were really quite lovely that night.

“What favor? What did I do?” Nando asked, and Schmidt hesitated. Almost.

“I didn’t know how we were going to get out of there in one piece, to be frank. $1200 is a lot of money, sure, but there are far more important things than that. You...prioritized.”

Schmidt left him perplexed rather often. Usually in benign ways, like how he somehow lived his entire life without knowing who Sherlock Holmes is, the single most adapted character in fiction, but this...left him genuinely puzzled. What did he mean by prioritizing? What was it supposed to mean? It was all rather vague.

“Glad I could help, I suppose.”

“Yeah...Help.” Schmidt muttered, but another vague phrase does not make anything clearer, Nando had to admit.

“It still kinda sucks that that cop got your stuff, though, I mean, that’s a month’s worth of rent, y’know?”

Schmidt shrugged. “Well, what can I say? That cop’s pockets are going to be a lot thinner now.” He said, pulling a brown leather wallet out of his suit jacket.

**_“SCHMIDT, NO!”_ **

\------

Heather Brandon, better known as wHatTheH, with 300,000 subscribers and counting, would go on to make a video about a recent scam that cops at a nearby precinct would be pulling, in which they go to certain events populated by 15-25 year olds, and extort them for money, threatening to lock them up otherwise.

With a combination of unerased security camera footage, a suspiciously fat wallet that seemed to belong to a rather suspicious cop, and an eye-witness to such events that asked to be anonymous, Heather Brandon had substantial proof of strange things afoot at the Influencer Gala, and elsewhere, and so, with that much evidence, and more information piling up as she asked for others to tell their stories, a video was made.

And what a video it was indeed.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> My newest headcanons are that when Schmidt gets bored he just scrolls through wikipedia until he comes out of the experience with an incredibly useless skill and that Nando is a coding wizard, if only because of the early 90s and 2000s internet that forced him to learn how to use HTML to get the cool stuff on his website and gaming platforms.
> 
> Also, is this a trick to see if Karina will draw them in suits, SOMEDAY?? Maybe so. 
> 
> I PROMISE that SOMEDAY I’ll finish that multi-chaptered fic. It’s just that writing mysteries is hard, and my brain cannot comprehend how to do so despite literal years of watching cop shows.
> 
> Also he real character development seems to be how I went from calling the security guards “personnel” to just “cops” by the end of the story. They weren’t supposed to play as huge a role as they did, but sometimes that happens, you know? A lot's going on right now, it just tends to seep in.
> 
> But, speaking of cops, black lives matter and ACAB! I’m doing fundraising commissions at the moment, with all the money going towards bail funds, so if you like my stuff, feel free to check it out on my twitter, or my tumblr, @cartoons-tothemoon, and we’ll work it out from there. $10 for 5K, or $2 for 1K!
> 
> UPDATE, 6-24-20: https://twitter.com/dilfosaur/status/1150073315719094278 Was anybody going to tell me that it's already canon that Schmidt knows how to pick locks, or was I just going to have to scroll down the twitter tag myself?


End file.
